These are ...just a "few" things that I ...simply ...have to turn my back on.
Well, ...nobody's perfect.
Many people think that because I do appliance repair, I can fix absolutely "everything". I'm sorry to have to say, ...no! I do repair most appliances. However, if I were to attempt to list even just a fraction of the things that I do not repair, (with a few acceptions) I think ...it would look something ...like ...this:
Things I do not repair
I do not repair TVs, VCRs, STDs, ATVs, ATMs, DVDs, computers, calculators, radios, stereos, CD players, remote controls, video cameras, satellite receivers, telephones, answer machines, hearing aids, clock radios, electric razors, electric tooth brushes, feminine hygiene products, micro electronics, radar equipment, pinball machines, sex toys, or detonation devices. So, please, do not ask me about these things. I just can't help you there. (Note: Sex toys and detonation devices are listed in the same category. This was not intentional! It just ...sort of ...turned out ...that way. Go figure!) I, also, don't repair fuel oil furnaces ever since the explosion. I'm lucky to be alive. I don't do blow-dryers, bean bags, blenders, curling irons, sheep shears, toaster ovens, waffle irons, elevators, escalators, bob sleds, electric skillets, meat grinders, coffee grinders, coffee makers, copy machines, electric chairs, vibrating massage chairs, flag poles, sewing machines, fishing rods, carpet shampoo-ers, vacuum cleaners, ...okay, I have fixed a few vacuum cleaners. Oh, ...and if you shoot your testicle off with a handgun, do not call me! Go to the damn emergency room. Dipwad! Anyway, ...I, also, don't do x-ray machines, breathing apparatus, dental equipment, lethal injection machines, lightning rods, circulation pumps, can openers, chiropractic contortion furniture, meat grinders, water-beds, water softeners, hand softeners, hangovers, treadmills, exercise equipment, brain scanning equipment, tanning booths, bicycles, bowling balls, box crushers, kites, hot air baloons, blimps, , pogo sticks, cotton gins, flying disks, traffic lights, brick stretchers, flugalbinders, farfelhiemers, weed whackers, tally-whackers, or, ...any other kind of whackers ...for that matter (grin), door knobs, gyroscopes, toilets, mopeds, mini-bikes, roller skates, milking machines, motorcycles, cars, trucks, vans, boats, campers. Is anybody really reading all this crap? I have a giant cat named Gupta. I'm pretty sure ...he really thinks he understands me. Polygraphs, three wheelers, quad-runners, marathon runners, road runners, or, any other kind of runners, ...fire hydrants, air horns, embalming equipment, hot tubs, swimming pools, diaphragms, spectacles, sock garters, spatulas, electro magnetic laser guided satelite spy systems, jerky smokers, mortgage brokers, chicken chokers, cattle prods, pencil sharpeners, battery chargers, red hot pokers, rectal thermometers, slot machines, jock straps, excavation equipment, water bongs, jet skis, snowmobiles, underwire brassiers, saw horses, tractors, curtain rods, tomb-stones, combines, steam trains, smoke detectors, dye injectors, weed eaters, dung flingers, mud slingers, crock pots, slow cookers, tree limbs, jack hammers, water piks, paint compressors, lawn-mowers, roto-tillers, or, ...any other kind of tillers, wrist watches, airplanes, migranes, or, helicopters. There are no hidden messages here. These are all calls that I have had to refuse. I don't do telegraphs, heliographs, telescopes, binoculars, particle accellerators, particle de-cellerators, particle un-cellerators, helmets, heating pads, spectrometers, chainsaws, broken laws, jets, rockets, bombs, merry-go-rounds, robots, surf boards, spaceships, flying saucers, missile launchers or thermo-nuclear-reactors, or, ...pretty much ...anything that isn't on the ..."things we do repair" ...list! Think you can remember all this? And, I do not do marriage counseling, ...and I can't cook! (Jeeeeesss "O" Peeeeets)
Is it normal for a hamburger to cause uncontrollable projectile vomiting?
Man, ...my sister ...was ...pretty pissed.
... LOL ...Just kidding.
She was absolutely furious!
Nope, ...I won't be doing that anymore.
(not grinning)
Well, ...the janitor at the mall wasn't too happy either, ...'cause, ...everyone ...who was watching ...got sick too, and, ...I mean, ...he was really workin' overtime that night.
Oh, ...and, ...I don't do laundry. I can fix 'em alright, but, ...I don't know how to use 'em. A little eccentric, I know. So, I just ...donate my dirty clothes to Goodwill ...and my girlfriend shops there and buys me new ones. (wink) You see? They wash them and ...we buy them back! Well, it keeps 'em in business! And that is why I always smell so clean and fresh! I'm pretty sure they must buy their laundry soap from AmWay. She has now bought me the same blue jeans and sweatshirts over 14 times. So, ...now I've just revealed my biggest secret. Well, okay, ...other than the fact that, when I go shopping, I like to put things in other peoples buggies when they're not lookin'. Beware of running into "me" at Wal-Mart! You've been warned!! Preparation H is not an impulse purchase! If you're buyin' it, you know what to do with it! Why do they even have directions on the box? Hmmm. Well, ...I don't know. But, if you find Ex-Lax in "your" buggy, I put that there for a reason, so, ...you better keep it. You're looking a bit constipated. Anyway, ...I refuse to tell you what I do with my dirty socks and underwear. Lets just say ...my rotten neighbors aren't too happy. Especially the ones that have been trapping our housepets. LOL 'Cause, ...they keep getting cited for violating the local yard-keeping ordinances. I had a 14 foot python go missing just the other day. (grin) Well, ...hey! You know. Oh, ...shhhhh! What? Pfffffttt!! You realize that it's just a joke ...right? Well, okay, maybe not "you", but most normal people do, ...anyway. I would never really fling my dirty socks and underwear into my neighbors yard. That would be just terrible. And, besides, ...I'd probably get arrested for something like "that"! In fact, these days, ...I could probably get arrested for even just ...thinking about something like that, ...so, ...never-mind! Anyway, I built a special machine that does it for me. Just load it up and pull the lever. Hey, they would have to do DNA testing to prove it was me. Well, ...why the hell did you bring it up then? Oh, ...you didn't? Well, then, ...who did? Am I talking ...to ...myself again? Paranoid? No, I don't do drugs! I'm like this all on my own. Okay? And, ...well, these are the things I think about when I'm sittin' home alone and the power goes out. You can tell ...it goes out ...quite a lot ...around here, ...huh. Well, ...I guess I was angrier than I thought, as a child. And, ...if you are still reading this, then I'll keep writin' it. Your life must be just as boring as mine. You know, I couldn't help but notice that the raunchier the humor on this page gets, the more people click on it to see. But, as long as you're smiling, and, ...I'm becoming more popular, ...that's all that matters. Right? So, ...there you go! Well, ...if you think this is bad, ...just imagine what I must be like to live with.
You see, ...I took a dive off a second story roof and landed on my head a few years back. Oh, I was fine. But, I do now have occasion to point to things that don't exist, and, ...laugh out of context every once in a while, but, usually only when nobody's looking. And, ...I have absolutely no "business sense" whatsoever. LOL (He says, while pulling finger out of nose, along with brain matter, attached to it.) Anyone who is shocked by this visual should be relieved to know ...that ...it doesn't get any worse. I can really only go ...so far. I believe it was Kermit who said it best when he said ..."it snot easy being green". Well, ...my last name is "Green" ...and ...you just wouldn't believe some of the gunk I run across when I'm working on peoples cooking apparatus. Yes, ...refrigerators too! Seems like it's always green no matter where it comes from. Anyway, ...I usually scrape it off, save it, mix it in with my dirty socks and underwear, and just ...sail it over the fence with all the rest of the trash. "Just kidding." Thank you for encouraging my behavior. LOL
Oh, ...and RoboJoe Industries Major Appliance Repair Service just "rocks"! LOL That's right! Don't you know? (grin)